You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
