His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize