I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
