News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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