I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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