They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
