just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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