A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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