I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
