Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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