Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
