its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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