Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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