im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
