my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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