why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
