theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize