So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
