I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
