My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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