You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
