A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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