My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
