he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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