I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
