Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How external is "for external use only"?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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