HIV tests are more positive than that guy
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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