my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
