Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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