haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
