He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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