i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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