Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got inside last night via doggy door
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
