it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize