It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
