She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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