my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize