I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
