Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
