dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
