Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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