No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
