if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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