Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
