How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
