Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
