A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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