I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
