I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
