Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
