she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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