this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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