He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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