I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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