I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
