Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
