I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
