don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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