She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
