Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize