I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
