He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
