Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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