its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
