it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
