Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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